Whilst I type tonight, my brow is indeed furrowed. I find myself on the eve of another appointment. Tomorrow, it’s to the nutritionist’s house I go. I was told that paperwork would be coming in the mail for me to fill out for this appointment, so I carefully observed each parcel for the following days. No mail came. I called the lady who said that some paperwork was coming and she said, “No, I changed my mind, you would fill it out when you come in.” So, I stopped watching the mail–and what should arrive the next day?? Paperwork from the nutritionist. I’m not sure who sent it, but it came. The unopened envelope sat kinda in the open for a few days; I would glance at it and think, “what sorts of honest, unhealthy reports await to be written in there, I wonder.” Not that I’m “unhealthy” in a buys-twinkies-and-stuffs-my-face kind of way, but I know I don’t pass the gold-star-from-a-nutritionist test. (I’m hoping for a bronze-ish star tomorrow, actually) I know the only way for these people to help me is if I am completely honest with them and with myself about my health, but I also know there are about five versions of myself health-wise. Let’s see, there’s “just hand over the chocolate” Briana; there’s “Zumba is like my new favorite thing EVER” Briana; “No, I’ll pass on that soda and drink my coconut-flavored-seltzer water” Briana; there’s also “okay, that sleeve of saltines was a bad choice, now I need take insulin and make better choices” Briana —- there’s the making of one of those great movies where the main characters eventually prove themselves to be one person with split personalities in the end here. Sheesh. I started filling out the paperwork and got completely overwhelmed. WHO AM I?? What are my top 5 snack choices, and does a Caramel Macchiato count? How often do I work out? Does being a preschool teacher count? There was this one time I was going to the gym–and I plan on starting that back up real soon—so how do I answer that question?? Do I need a “refresher” on diabetes management, or do I want them to start over? What are my biggest hindrances? Honestly, when it comes to what “derails” me, it changes daily. hourly? like minutely. They also asked questions like “What are your top 5 questions on diabetes.” I think that I do have many questions about diabetes, but right now I’m asking all the questions of myself–who am I, why do I do the things I do, is it possible to change, will I ever get this right? Do I have to go to the doctor’s tomorrow?? I do get anxiety about going, even now my heart is beating fast and I’m a wee bit scared. I really don’t want to cry, but the truth is, I often do. I really don’t want to take an honest look at who I am and changes that need to be made —WAIT A MINUTE, YES I DO! — at least, sometimes I do. I really, really do! I am so overjoyed to have the opportunity to care for myself. So many others with terminal illnesses would look on diabetes with envy. It is NOT something to just “put up with.” It is a gift to be embraced. My heart knows that. God chose it for me and me for it! But on nights like tonight I feel like the wind is out of me–heart rate up and spirits down. As I picked up and set back down my pen tonight–uncertain how to proceed–echoing in my head was the song, “Lead me to the Rock that is Higher than I.” I don’t always need the wind “in me,” so to speak–I have the Holy Spirit Who invites me to take each step in His strength. (Gal. 5:25) I don’t need to have it all figured out, because He does. (Jer. 29:11) I don’t even need to dismiss or be ashamed of my struggles, because God longs to my strong in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)
I am still apprehensive about tomorrow. I’m not sure which Briana will show up at that appointment, but I do know my God.
“For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my Rock and my Salvation, my Fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”
Psalm 62:1-2 ESV