It has taken me a few days to write about this experience because I was so taken off guard when it happened–I had a horrible, awful, no good, very bad doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. The strangest thing is that it only lasted about 7 minutes. He came rampaging in the exam room, didn’t even look at me and said while leaning against the counter on the opposite wall, “I’m very disappointed–I’m SO disappointed.” He roughly took my vitals and said that I must not be very serious about ever having kids, because at this point I never will. He asked if I needed any prescriptions filled and quickly jotted down my Novalog request. I was just kind of sitting there thinking, “What in the heck is going on here? Isn’t this the doctor I love so much?” Really, I was stunned. It comes down to this: my A1C is not much improved from 3 months ago. (Though it is better! Something that didn’t seem worth mentioning to Dr. Cranky-Pants.) An A1C is the average blood sugar reading over the last 2-3 months. I do have a list of reasons for my poor reading: My CGM broke on the way to Wisconsin for Christmas, which would have been extremely helpful. I got the flu at Christmas; when I came home from Wisconsin, I left a few days later for fun in the sun in Florida. The biggest struggle there is that it’s really hard to enjoy your Mom and Dad’s new hot tub with an insulin pump on, or I’d take it off and put it back on–think everything is great–and realize 2 hours later that I forgot to turn it on! So both of my Christmases were difficult for control. No big deal, get back in the game. . . but then I got a sinus infection that had me laying on the couch for a week; I’m convinced the antibiotics and the sinus infection stayed in my body reeking havoc for about 3 weeks. And cold medicine affects the CGM readings, so I just put in back on a week ago! That series of events brought me right up to my appointment. Anyway, I explained that to him in as few words as possible and he said, “Yeah, maybe that’s it.” Retorting, “I have you on file saying that you’ve made all these changes, but I don’t see it–It better be better next time. See you in 3 months.” Exit stage left.
In less than 10 minutes, I had been stunned, insulted, disrespected, accused of lying, and sent on a major guilt trip. With much difficulty, I kept my composure. For about 10 seconds. While trying to schedule my next appointment, (that I was oh-so-much looking forward to at this point) I had tears streaming down my face and I was holding back that choking kind of crying that would have been really embarrassing. Once safely in my car, I let the flow of emotion wash over my face and sink into my heart.
I share this because this blog’s tagline is: Finding joy in my JOURNEY with diabetes. This is part of the journey. I don’t share it because “my life with diabetes is horrible and I want the world to know it.” Talking through this is part of the process for me. Thanks for letting me do that!
Honestly, for about an hour it was very discouraging. “I can’t do this! I’ve tried really hard, and I CAN’T do this!!”
Here is the truth: I am NOT the same person that I was 3 months ago. My thinking about diabetes is completely different than it was. I may not have the numbers figured out, but I know that I have overcome some huge personal hurdles. I am not taking care of myself because I want a doctor to be pleased with me. I’m not taking care of myself for any person to be pleased with me.
The guilt-driven decision never glorifies God.
I spent 9 years of my life under the burden of guilt-driven diabetes management. In those 9 years, never seeing victory. Never able to embrace diabetes as a gift. Just guilt, wrapped up in resentment, with emotional trappings.
Its hard for me even now to say that I’m thankful for that appointment. But it helped me to take a deep breath and recognize that God has enabled me to change. It’s always a battle in the mind first. Always. My mind, which was the territory of Satan’s lies for SO long, is now an open field, in which I toil to cultivate seeds of God’s truth. I have taken claim of this ground that thrived with roots of disbelief and ungratefulness, hedged in stubbornness and watered with despair.
I claim this ground.
Pull out those weeds!
Break down that wall!
I know that I need to toil, I know it will take time–sowing seeds of truth causes blisters and aches–but I am committed to do that.
…Even if Dr. Cranky doesn’t know that. I’m not in it to please him.
I’m here to glorify God.
“For from Him and through Him and to Him are ALL things. To Him be glory forever. Amen!”