“Paging Dr. Cranky-Pants. . . “

It has taken me a few days to write about this experience because I was so taken off guard when it happened–I had a horrible, awful, no good, very bad doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. The strangest thing is that it only lasted about 7 minutes.  He came rampaging in the exam room, didn’t even look at me and said while leaning against the counter on the opposite wall, “I’m very disappointed–I’m SO disappointed.” He roughly took my vitals and said that  I must not be very serious about ever having kids, because at this point I never will.  He asked if I needed any prescriptions filled and quickly jotted down my Novalog request.  I was just kind of sitting there thinking, “What in the heck is going on here?  Isn’t this the doctor I love so much?”  Really, I was stunned.  It comes down to this: my A1C is not much improved from 3 months ago.  (Though it is better! Something that didn’t seem worth mentioning to Dr. Cranky-Pants.)  An A1C is the average blood sugar reading over the last 2-3 months.  I do have a list of reasons for my poor reading: My CGM broke on the way to Wisconsin for Christmas, which would have been extremely helpful.  I got the flu at Christmas; when I came home from Wisconsin, I left a few days later for fun in the sun in Florida.  The biggest struggle there is that it’s really hard to enjoy your Mom and Dad’s new hot tub with an insulin pump on, or I’d take it off and put it back on–think everything is great–and realize 2 hours later that I forgot to turn it on!  So both of my Christmases were difficult for control. No big deal, get back in the game. . . but then I got a sinus infection that had me laying on the couch for a week; I’m convinced the antibiotics and the sinus infection stayed in my body reeking havoc for about 3 weeks.  And cold medicine affects the CGM readings, so I just put in back on a week ago!  That series of events brought me right up to my appointment.  Anyway, I explained that to him in as few words as possible and he said, “Yeah, maybe that’s it.” Retorting, “I have you on file saying that you’ve made all these changes, but I don’t see it–It better be better next time. See you in 3 months.”  Exit stage left.  

In less than 10 minutes, I had been stunned, insulted, disrespected, accused of lying, and sent on a major guilt trip.  With much difficulty, I kept my composure.  For about 10 seconds.  While trying to schedule my next appointment, (that I was oh-so-much looking forward to at this point) I had tears streaming down my face and I was holding back that choking kind of crying that would have been really embarrassing.  Once safely in my car, I let the flow of emotion wash over my face and sink into my heart.  

I share this because this blog’s tagline is: Finding joy in my JOURNEY with diabetes.  This is part of the journey.  I don’t share it because “my life with diabetes is horrible and I want the world to know it.”  Talking through this is part of the process for me.  Thanks for letting me do that! 

Honestly, for about an hour it was very discouraging.  “I can’t do this!  I’ve tried really hard, and I CAN’T do this!!”

Here is the truth: I am NOT the same person that I was 3 months ago.  My thinking about diabetes is completely different than it was.  I may not have the numbers figured out, but I know that I have overcome some huge personal hurdles.  I am not taking care of myself because I want a doctor to be pleased with me. I’m not taking care of myself for any person to be pleased with me. 

 The guilt-driven decision never glorifies God.      

I spent 9 years of my life under the burden of guilt-driven diabetes management.  In those 9 years, never seeing victory.  Never able to embrace diabetes as a gift. Just guilt, wrapped up in resentment, with emotional trappings.  

Its hard for me even now to say that I’m thankful for that appointment.  But it helped me to take a deep breath and recognize that God has enabled me to change.  It’s always a battle in the mind first. Always. My mind, which was the territory of Satan’s lies for SO long, is now an open field, in which I toil to cultivate seeds of God’s truth.  I have taken claim of this ground that thrived with roots of disbelief and ungratefulness, hedged in stubbornness and watered with despair.  

I claim this ground.  

Pull out those weeds!

Break down that wall!

I know that I need to toil, I know it will take time–sowing seeds of truth causes blisters and aches–but I am committed to do that.  

…Even if Dr. Cranky doesn’t know that.  I’m not in it to please him.

 I’m here to glorify God.        

“For from Him and through Him and to Him are ALL things.  To Him be glory forever.  Amen!” 

Romans 11:36

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3 thoughts on ““Paging Dr. Cranky-Pants. . . “

  1. Briana, i am so sorry to hear that your appointment went so bad. All I would say is pick up the pieces that belong to you. Not all of them do and move on. Let God guide you to success.
    I trust you will grow stronger through this experience.
    I guess the lesson that Dr. Cranky pants has taught is the one we all need to learn, We can all handle situations without really thinking about the effect on the other person. Surely, he didn’t run this through his head before he spoke.
    Take care and thanks for sharing.
    Carla

    • Thank you, Carla!! You are right–there are pieces here that are not mine to pick up! That is something that I am learning in many areas–I need wisdom to know which ones! I know that my doctor has been helpful to me in the past, and God wants to use this unpleasant experience for something good. Hopefully our next meeting will be more HELPFUL though! Thank you for reading and sharing!

  2. Dearest Bri (and Ben),

       This news breaks my heart. Dr. Cranky-Pants rapport is despicable. My prayer is the horrible, awful, no good, very bad things will fade from your memory and your good resolutions take root.

    You have had to make huge changes in your daily life and that is very hard to do effectively. Food involves and brings itself to consciousness so many times in a day. A woman has to plan, shop, put away, prepare and cook it. Your teaching and job are a blessing; a profitable time away from it.

    The following is a letter I started in TX :

     

    Dear Ben and Bri,

    Please forgive my tardiness of response. It’s not that we are so busy or involved with things at the campground. My lame excuse is being without access to the internet.   We’re about 15 miles from a McDonald’s (free Wi-Fi), a laundromat and grocery store. So, we try to bundle the jobs in one trip to save fuel. So am writing as we wait on the machines.

              I can’t imagine the turmoil in your minds and hearts at deciding what to do about changing churches. But you do need to consider the   spiritually, socially and financially of those that you are leaving and those you are joining (in that order). It takes all these things to make a church work. I know you both will be an asset which ever way you go; that may be the reason the issue has occurred. Please keep us posted.

              We are enjoying our time in TX. The weather is still rainy and overcast but the warm temp is what we came for.

              Grandpa is feeling better but not 100%. The back pain, that I believe is a sprain in his ribs or pleurisy, is still with him. He didn’t cough a lot, so pleurisy is probably not the cause. Tylenol is pretty well taking care of the pain.

              Babe and Jo are active with sorting free food for the poor, which is most of the attendee’s of the little church. It is a mission of the pastor’s wife, who, by the way, is a blond copy of Bri, plus about 20 years. The boxes they put together this week had 17 cans, cereal, some Wesson oil and 6-8 pounds of meat in them. I think the food comes to them like it does to Tomah’s food pantry.

    Pastor Neal preached Sunday. They had a chair ready behind him and the podium was on the main floor but he stood the whole while he talked on the attributes of pray; I think his personal experience since his fracture inspired it.         2- 18-13 I wrote this before we got the call that Uncle Doug had taken a big turn for the worse — the short and of the long of it, we are home, Doug is bad and I’m glad to be here.

    Love and prayers, G&G 

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