Well, it’s been a while since I have posted. Many, many “contributing factors” are responsible for this barren desert where tumbleweeds of time were allowed to wander aimlessly. It has been almost a month and a half since that not-so-wonderful doctor’s appointment: he was definitely the worst valentine. ever. I wish I could adequately explain all the stages and colors of emotions that I have experienced since then, but I can’t. For many reasons, one being that I usually experience like at least 3 emotions simultaneously; my second of many reasons being that I can’t always even put my finger on how I’m feeling—much less explain it to others.
At first, I was caught between wanting to prove him wrong and being frustrated that how he felt about it was even a factor—“why does it matter what he thinks?” “I know I’ve made big changes and that’s what matters!!” Eventually, God helped me to come to a place that I realized that over the past 4-5 months I have made changes, but the biggest changes that I have made have been made in my mind and heart. The way that I think about diabetes is completely different now. I can discuss it without breaking down into a “bawl” of tears! I have stopped playing the “blame game” and stopped taking guilt trips. I know what I CAN do and what I CAN’T do. For years, (10 years this April) I’ve had diabetes, and for most of those years, I have had this huge wall around my heart to protect me from even thinking about it as much as possible. I mean, you can’t just not think about it.. it’s diabetes, but as much as possible, I didn’t think about diabetes as part of the “whole picture” in my life—it was more of something that I locked away and never thought about unless I had to. Questions about it felt like I was being interrogated; “special attention” because of it did not feel like a gesture of love, but a restriction.
But you know what??
I don’t feel that way anymore! I truly do feel like a captive set free of these shackling inhibitions. I am so thankful for the journey that began in October… But I need to realize that IT IS A JOURNEY: ups and downs, detours, setbacks, traffic, road rage (on my part!) are all part of getting to my destination. But I’m on the road!
Phil. 1:6 He who began a GOOD work in me will complete it! —But it will take my entire life!
(Paraphrased by myself.)