Rules are Rules…

…I don’t make them, I just enforce them.  

How many of us have heard this, thought this, or actually said it?  

In this case, I am both the maker and enforcer of “The Rules.”  After realizing sometime last Thursday that I needed to be in the driver’s seat here, I also knew that I needed a more concrete plan of how that was actually going to look.  I also know, as I discussed in a previous post, that when I am “on” baby, watch out, because I’m on fire… and when I’m “off,” well, you might as well not bother putting that brownie on a plate, just hand me the 9×13 and a folk.  

I needed a way to stabilize my peaks and valleys, if possible.  I already know my tendencies; I wanted to find a way to work with myself.  The idea was not original to me, nor is anything new under the sun, but a friend suggested a few weeks ago (thanks, Amanda!) that I make some guidelines for myself to add some structure to my decisions.  

Generally what happens is that I do really well during the week with food choices and planning, but then the weekend comes, or Ben and I go out, or we come in contact with any sort of frozen yogurt, and I fall off the wagon.  Oh, it doesn’t stop there, the wagon continues until it’s not visible on the horizon.. and then I run in the opposite direction.  This lasts 3 days, and I jump on the wagon again.. repeat.  I find that weekends are far harder than the weeks for obvious reasons.  So what happens is that I am either counting all the carbs, checking my blood sugar before meals / 2 hours after, and being mindful of diabetes {Perfect Country!}, or I am eating whatever and just “guesstimating” on insulin.  Checking my blood sugar occasionally {Fun Country!}.  

Here’s what I came up with. 

The Rules

Monday!  (Girl’s Night!)

  • MUST pre-measure anything and everything!
    • Maybe leave some snacks at Nahries?
    • Carbohydrate limit for the evening?  40 total. 
      • I need to think about this a little more.  This is a good place to start. 
      • No eating after 10 p.m. 

Tues – Friday

  • ONLY No-Carb/low carb (under 5g.)  snacks after work  / between meals
    • No Carb Ideas: Tuna, string cheese, NSA pudding, pickles, veggies, hard-boiled eggs, lunch meat, tomatoes
    • Low Carb Ideas: Hummus w/ veg, little pumpernickel squares, Adkins shakes
    • Eat all three meals a day!
      • 25-45 carbs each meal
      • This will take PLANNING when I want to go out somewhere..  BE THAT PERSON that brings a lunchbox…
      • No eating after 10 p.m.

Weekends

  • Saturdays
    • Eat breakfast by 10
    • Sweets / eating late allowed — as long as I know exactly how many carbs
    • Sundays
      • Eat breakfast! :) 
      • Only take an ABF snack occasionally.  
        • (Once every 6 weeks! Mark it in calendar.)

Eating Out

  • Try to look up nutritional information before going out & make a plan.  

 

I love this plan.  I’m sure it will morph over time, but for this snapshot of my life, it is helpful.  Previously, it’s like I had a switch in my brain.. Diabetes ON, Diabetes OFF.  This is destructive on many levels.  Emotionally, it makes me feel like a failure.  Physically, it really puts my body through the wringer–headaches, sleeplessness, and aches from too high BG.  Spiritually, it keeps me from glorifying God in my decisions and in my body.  Switching ON and OFF no longer being an option, I needed to know what ON looked like.

I have for over two years now enjoyed a Girl’s Night with close friends every Monday night.  Girl’s night is rarely cancelled, and a wonderful highlight of my week.  On Monday nights, I usually just flipped the switch, took lots of insulin, and ate the stress of the week away, one goldfish at a time.  (One goldfish swimming in chocolate, of course!)  I love Monday nights.  I love being with my girls & relaxing.  I love not feeling inhibited at all about what I eat.  Ah.  Love it.  But… the wee hours of Tues. morning most regularly find me awake, sick, and frustrated.  Frustrated that I’m sick, I caused it, and even more frustrated that I don’t ever want to stop having girl’s night the way that it has always been. 

But, you know what?  

I can’t just sit back and pretend that taking a huge dose of insulin and goring myself on Ghirardelli squares is okay.  Yes, my BG eventually comes down, and I’m in normal ranges the next day, but the lack of restraint is the problem.  Being annoyed by boundaries, that is the problem.  I am a rebel.  My rebelliousness must be checked.  While I cling to the believe that “you’re not the boss of me!  I’m an adult now and I can make choices without input from others” reigns in my heart, I will not live a life with diabetes that brings glory to God.  A life that praises Him and His good choice, no, His BEST choice to give me diabetes.  Not while I reserve the right to decide when I will or will not be controlled.

It was just a corner of my life, really, these Monday night divergences from diabetes.  I walked up narrow hallway to Nahrie’s house and left diabetes at the door.  It was just one night.  I still took insulin.  It’s not like I left my insulin pump in the car!  I was still diabetic.. I just wasn’t going to think about that for about 4 hours.  Ah.. what blissful hours I spend as a rebel.  It feels good.  I’m in charge. whew.

It only takes a minute of this kind of thinking to send myself into a tailspin of horrible decisions, depression, and hopelessness.  Really, it starts with the first whisper of defiance that says, “I will not be controlled.  I will not be restrained.”  I am realizing even as I type that I was allowing my Girl’s Night to become territory I was unwilling to surrender to God.  I place and time in my life where I would have no boundaries.  (Because everyone needs that little corner of the world that they call “mine,” right?) 

So, the answer is drink water and carrots at Girl’s Night.  THAT must be most pleasing to God. 

ABSOLUTELY NOT!  

See what I did with my “Rules” for Monday night?  I gave myself a carb limit that is high enough to enjoy a few squares of chocolate or a bag of the snack that smiles back.  I don’t need complete autonomy to enjoy myself. 

I’m thankful that God has given things for our enjoyment.  I can even enjoy Him in the gifts that He has given–but as I enjoy things apart from Him, in a heart of rebellion, that is when sin creeps in.  

I have been feeling a little bit like sin for me is different than a non-diabetic.  Probably every time I eat something delicious it is sin because God has given me diabetes. Oh, how wrong that perspective is.  Rebellion is sin; the need to control is sin; running from restraint–that is sin.  

Chocolate is not sin.  It is a gift from God.

(Isn’t that the news you’ve been waiting to hear???  Don’t forget, you heard it here first!!) 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Rules are Rules…

  1. “Be that person who brings a lunchbox…” In other words, be your husband ;)

    I love this. The plan seems flexible enough to allow you to live, but narrow enough to make a difference. And your understanding of enjoying good things is awesome. And you’re just so plain delightful.

  2. It does sound like a good plan. It has to be so hard to have to continually watch everything you eat. You must have to have a certain mindset, just like when you are on a diet. Blah that can be so hard! Keep on keeping on!

    • Well thanks! I am looking forward to coming up with a “Holiday Plan” so I’ll be able to continue these choices through Christmas. Good thing Shrimp has no carbs, right? :) Looking forward to seeing you soon!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s