The Invisible Doctor

I have an appointment this morning.. Soon! The last time I was at this doctor, I bawled my eyes out. It’s kinda this tradition I have with the doctor’s office. Eeeeek. I hope that becomes a less visited tradition in the future. Recently, I have found that in all my spare moments–when my mind drifts at work, while I lie in bed, as I fold laundry–I have had many, many conversations with an invisible doctor. Defending myself, mostly. Telling him why I don’t need to eat 45 carbs at every meal, why I don’t write down records and fax them in weekly, why I make changes to my pump (little ones) without consulting them. I explain my personality and why this new approach is best. I talk about my life and how what I am doing fits better. I talk about all the small victories and lifestyle changes I have made! I do not want a “great” Dr. appointment because i turned my life upside down for three months, wrote everything down, and became a crazy diabetes nazi. My motivation has been a new and completely different lifestyle. I want a sustainable change. In my journey, it has not been writing everything down. It has been arming myself with knowledge and actually making changes. Finding things that work for my body and life and embracing them! I LOVE the pace I have taken. I LOVE the changes I have made. I also LOVE the results.

Today, I will be respectful. I will be composed. But I will not apologize for finally taking my health into my own hands and owning it! This is my everyday journey and I am really enjoying it! My health is not in his hands… It is in mine.

Okay, be strong Briana! You are doing things differently, but you are doing them best for YOU!

…..thanks for letting me get that out. I just needed to talk through it out loud one more time.

Jots and Tittles

I have been frightfully silent for the past week, though many things to say have been whirling around in my head!  I actually went to Starbucks with the intention of writing on the Wednesday after the hurricane.  BIG MISTAKE!  When I got there I remembered that all schools had been cancelled and half the city was without the internet.  It was packed.  After the Barista called, “tall, extra-hot, upside-down caramel macchiato” (my heart fills with joy at the mention of it!) I stood there with two bags and looked kinda sweet but also pathetic in hopes someone would want to rescue me from my seatless plight, but they were all too busy drinking their favorite drinks and typing on their computers to notice! I even entertained the idea of sitting outside on the cold, wet patio furniture, but sense seized me and I headed back to the car.  That is a very long and somewhat dramatic tale, all to say, writing has been on my mind, but not the top of my to-do.

Last week was sensational!  Using the CGM was literally all that it was “cracked up to be!”  Constant feedback is so helpful and encouraging.  It also, undoubtedly, leads to much better control.  I did have to write everything down last week.. everything.  Mood, activity levels, snacks, meals, carb counts, stress levels, (who can tell??) and anything else I thought relevant.  I was dreading it a little, but it just became part of my routine and I didn’t mind it.  I didn’t love it, but I didn’t mind it.  There was satisfaction in knowing that my jots and tittles would help my doctor help me.    I was able to talk to a Dexcom representative that it trying to help us figure out how my insurance would cover a Dexcom CGM for me–I gave her all the information a thought I knew only to find out later that I didn’t actually know it.  From now on, I think I’ll pass those calls along to Ben.  He’s on top of that stuff! (Thanks, Honey!)  Basically, as soon as I get a hold of this lady again, I should have a Dexcom as soon as the US Postal service can accommodate–with no cost to us personally. This is another reason to PRAISE GOD for Ben’s job even though the hours are difficult to handle sometimes.  God has perfectly guided our steps here.  I am thankful for the whole picture even though I can only see a corner of it right now.

“The heart of the man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.”

Proverbs 16:9 ESV

I would not choose even some of the steps in the current stage of my journey.  I want what I want because I want it–I want it to be different–and I want it NOW! But when God gently reminds me that He wants the ultimate best for me–His best–I can rejoice in the stages of life He brings.  He truly is my Good Shepherd!

“The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

ALL the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”

Psalm 23 ESV

I must not let the familiarity of these words breed contempt!  He leads, protects, cares and provides for, and gives goodness and mercy to me.

  Following where He leads is an amazing privilege and honor. 

He is a joy to follow.