Scrutinized and/or Criticized? Part 1

I started thinking about talking about this.  Then I decided it would be a bad idea—no need to be too transparent, even though that’s kinda what I’m going for here.  BUT then three different people on three separate occasions mentioned struggling in similar ways, so this is something that needs to be addressed, I think. Even bigger than addressing it, it is something that I need to be honest about.

The things that we hide evidence much about what we value, what we truly care about.  Let me put it this way, is there something you would NEVER even dream of doing if someone else were around, but enveloped in the safety of solitude, you constantly run to?  Details aside, this “something” could be anything.  What are they called?  Guilty pleasures?  Mine include actually enjoying “Zac and Cody” on the Disney Channel.  Would I ask a friend to stop on that show while channel surfing—No.  Would I secretly wish their kids would turn it on so I could ease drop?  YES.  Ben hates this one: I actually like to crack my knuckles.  I know, gross, right? I do.  He does not.

Anyway, I think we can all relate on some level…

…specifically, this is how I want to focus this concept of “guilty pleasures”

FOOD

There I said it.  I love food.  And I spend a LOT of time alone.  So I can basically eat any food I want without the shame of a witness.  Which is SWEET!  (literally and figuratively, people!)  As I have said from the beginning of blogging, guilt played (plays, sometimes) a big part in diabetes control.  From the beginning of my diagnosis, I have always felt that anywhere and everywhere I go people look at, study even, what I eat and comment, “Is that something a diabetic should be eating?”  “Can you have that?”  or even, “You can’t have that; YOU’RE DIABETIC!” At that time, I usually feel like, “Oh, thanks for reminding me that I’m not normal and automatically in need of your constant supervision now!”  GRRRR.  Other times, I am able to see those comments as what they truly are in most cases, love and concern.  People have not appointed themselves as my food-police, they are just concerned or curious about my health.  “Oh, I didn’t realize that you, as a diabetic, can eat that.”  Also, diabetes technology has come so far in the past 20 years that diabetics today can live a different lifestyle than those in the past. Then comes in the complication between Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes. (One day, I will try to clear up the confusion, but today is not that day!) So generally, people are not trying to condemn or shame me in comments about food, they are just curious.  I think.

Growing up “under the microscope” as a scientific specimen, a person with diabetes, I have come in ear shot of many comments regarding what I eat, what to eat, what NOT to eat; all the while feeling my food choices constantly scrutinized and most often criticized.

Hm… what does a person do in this situation?  This person just decided to not ever eat something in public that might be considered by some on-looker as inappropriate for someone “with my condition” to be eating.  Ideally, this would be the way I would always eat, making healthy choices, making diabetes-wise, nutritional choices.  Really, the choices that everyone should be making regardless of disease-label.  We all want to be healthy, right?  So I got in this mentality of eating one way in public and another way at Home, Alone. (I’m looking forward to watching this next week!)

A very anticlimactic place to leave it, but I need to get ready, and I want to keep you coming back.

(to be continued…soon, I promise!)

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Pretty in Pink

Temptation was swift to follow my declaration to diabetes control.   Last night, I found myself in, of all places, Ace Hardware.  It was “ladies night.”  To raise money for Breast Cancer, “the helpful hardware place” was selling hot pink 5-gallon buckets.  There were pink-shirted-hardware-selling clerks, pink balloons, pink Christmas trees, pink punch–it was like walking into a bottle of Peptobismol.   And there, amid the pink carnations and pink grab bags was a huge-mongous, pretty-in-pink cake.  FREE for the taking.. taunting me with it’s sweetness.  Normally, I would say to myself, “It’s LADIES night!  Eat CAKE!”  Or, “maybe if I just take a small piece–it would really be rude NOT to.”  But I turned the other direction.  Yes sir! I ran straight for the fall decorations and did not look back.  I don’t think I can say accurately enough how much a truly LOVE cake.  Like a fat kid, some would say.  But last night, I decided to remain committed in the face of frosting-covered carbs.  As amorous my feelings for cake may be, my love for God and my desire to stay committed are stronger–by His grace!

Today, I am slightly on edge because I have an appointment with an endocrinologist tomorrow at 3:15.  It will be the first appointment I have had since Ben and I moved to PA.  I know that my blood work will not be great, but I am going to ask for a plan to get on the right track.  I’ll let you know what the game plan is tomorrow.  Meanwhile, pray that I ask the right questions and that I make it through without a complete breakdown.

Commit your way unto the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.”

 (Psalm 37:4 ESV)